Vanilla and other flavors, a servants guide to cooking happiness.

Today I'm wearing a checkered thong. I'm sitting at a table with a mason jar filled with marbles. One by one I'm taking them out and counting them. Sounds thrilling I know, but there is a method to this madness.

This entry is about different ways you can incorporate D/s into an otherwise "vanilla" relationship. Mixing the two requires innovation and a desire to make things work smoothly. There's no "one true way" to do it. These are just some suggestions to get the ideas flowing.

So lets start with the marbles. The purpose here is about reaffirming each persons roles through random activities. This works by establishing a rule that the servant has to take time out of their day to make sure there are a certain number of marbles in the jar. At random times the Owner will either remove a couple of marbles or add a few just to throw it off.

It sounds silly, but this is something simple, that easy to do, and it doesn't require any kind of costume nor drawn out scene. Having to check the marble jar every day reminds the servant of the importance of the rules. Also, since the Owner is occasionally checking the jar and making changes, it keeps both parties involved.

Our next example deals with denial and permission. Just like the previous idea, this one too is best used randomly. Simply put, the Owner denies the servant permission to do or experience something.  It doesn't matter what is being denied. Alternatively, the Owner can at random time give the servant permission for something they wanted to do that was denied in the past.  The important part here is that the servant is faced with the fact that they have given up control of their life to their Owner.

Now lets look at some "mini" protocols that can be used. One possibility might be an Owner requiring their slave to eat in a different position instead of at the table with them. You could still easily carry on a "vanilla" conversation over dinner, but having the sub eat while sitting in the floor is a way of saying, "that's your place  in our relationship."

Also we should consider things like expectations and acts of personal service. It's pretty simple for an Owner to establish some rules, and have their slave take care of domestic duties. More than likely if a slave is "service oriented" he or she will probably love doing these things anyway. 

An Owner can add a deeper level to their interaction if they include commands. This doesn't mean yelling, or having a stern tone of voice. The idea here is to request something in a way that you might from a computer or a robot instead of a person. By doing so, the Owner is treating the slave like a "slave" and not a vanilla partner.

It doesn't matter if the Owner tells the slave to give them a foot massage or run them a hot bath. The key is "telling" and not asking.  I've found that a lot of people have trouble with this because society instills in us the necessity of manners, ie "please and thank you". While being polite is a great way to interact with people in "general", for a slave it can undermine the "feeling" of being a servant.

Last, but certainly not least, an Owner should chain their slave up in the basement and leave them them there for a few days. Oh, wait, that wasn't what I was going to say. I mean, that might be bad, for them and you in the long run. Now I've lost count of these damn marbles. :(

Anyway, I hope some of this made sense. I wrote this post to try to illustrate that D/s can be practiced in creative ways that don't require planning or bondage equipment. Vanilla life and experiences are just as important as the kink. Its up to you as an individual to figure out what works and what doesn't. Hopefully with the help of this post, you'll find your own way to have the white picket fence with or without the handcuffs. <3

Attack of the evil pumkins, and other possibilities.

Here we are yet again, with another story to tell. I'm in my usual attire, so you can just call me "thongman". I'm sitting in a sparsely decorated room having a staring contest with a plastic pumpkin. I mean who doesn't love Halloween?  For reasons I can't easily explain, this staring contest is a "life or death" situation. Which leads me naturally into today's thoughts.

Recently I came across an interesting Ted talk that correlates with a project my best friend and I have been working on over the past couple of years. The link below gives you a glimpse into what this is all about.

Big Talk

For those of you who don't have time to check it out I'll just say the video encourages people to ask others and themselves questions that require deep thought. One of the questions mentioned is "What do you want to do before you die." It's a compelling question, one that asks, what is most important to you?

I decided to choose a variation of this which says "If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?"

Lets say for the sake of this hypothetical situation, that you could literally do "anything."

I'd wake up as early as possible and write a blog entry, a sort of "farewell" letter. I would speak openly and intimately about my life, my decisions and my path in the hopes that others would really understand and know me.

Next I'd spend some time with my family. I'd tell my parents that I loved them, and I'd let them know that despite the hardships and hurdles, I'd lived a good life.

Then I'd gather around me my three closest friends and a few other "like minded people". We would go out to a park or somewhere in nature and just talk. I would take a moment to really enjoy the feeling of the sun on my skin. I'd run my hands through the grass and try to really feel connected to this planet I've called home.

We would spend the day walking and talking, just enjoying each others company and sharing stories. At some point later in the day we'd share a meal of my favorite foods. I'd have half a glass of really good wine, just to savor the taste of it.

During our talks I would encourage them to dream big and live passionately. I'd try to share with them the important things I've learned on my journey. As the evening winds down I'd say my farewells to most of them. I wouldn't reveal to anyone what was going to happen the next day.

I'd tell my "brother" that I love him. I'd remind him of his talent and how his influence and companionship has shaped my life. I'd ask him not to let my passing be seen as a cause for mourning, but as an opportunity for thought and growth.

As our group seperates I'd ask one of my friends "Sarah" to free up the rest of her evening. We would return to her home, and just spend time together. I'd tell her all the things I never said when we were dating and living together. I'd spend some time "serving" her by doing her laundry, cleaning etc. We would stay up talking and laughing and just being with each other until it started getting late.

As night closed in and I knew time was drawing near, we would lay down together. I would cherish every moment of these final experiences. I would genuinely take in her beauty, her strength, her knowledge and wisdom. I'd drift off to sleep in her arms feeling safe and loved. "Sarah once told me that "love" is in the doing, so this is what I would do.

I'm a little emotional from thinking about all of this stuff, and I suspect if you answer the question, you might be too. My point here is by doing so, you give yourself a chance to explore possibilities. You draw the focus away from matters that might be trivial or even worse, fears or insecurities that hold you back from living the life you really want.

If you take nothing else from this, just ask yourself, how might my life be different if I dared to dream and let those ideas come true?

On an end note I'll just add, I won the staring contest! So yeah I plan to be around for another hundred years or so. :)

  

Beyond whips and chains, a look into the heart of the matter.

Imagine the scene from yesterdays post, only this time the thong is black. Instead of sunbathing, I'm working in a garden pulling weeds and clearing out debris. As I cut a long stalk of briar from the path and try to pull it out of the way I notice it seems to be stuck. In frustration I pull as hard as I can and it's suddenly released. The momentum of my effort pulls the jagged briar right into me and it tears a long gash along my leg. As a masochist, the pain is bittersweet. I watch the droplets of blood fall from the wound and I think to myself, "Why do I like this?"

This entry is an impromptu interview conducted by me, with me. Which mean infinite wisdom times two. How awesome right? For the sake of differentiation I'll use "I" for the interviewer.

I: You say "D/s" all the time. What does that mean to you?

Me: D/s is an alternative lifestyle that focuses on power exchange and complex dynamics. I think all to often it's confused with the notion that it signifies one person wanting to be "led" or that its just an escape route for people who dislike making decisions.

I: Define servitude.

Me: Servitude is about selflessness, devotion, commitment, and care. As a servant your primary goal in life is the well-being of your Owner. It's not just about kneeling in front of them, or doing the dishes. Servitude means reading their body language. Anticipating their needs and wants. Being able to be a best friend, a willing slave, and sometimes just a shoulder to cry on. Serving is also about bettering yourself. As a slave you should focus on personal growth so that you consistently have more to offer your Owner other than just basic submission.

I: You label yourself as a masochist, whats that all about?

Me: I enjoy experiencing both physical and emotional pain. For me it's not as simple as saying "I love a great back massage." I'm not "turned on" by pain. Sometimes pain can be a sort of therapeutic experience where afterward it feels as though the volume of the world has been "turned down", but even that doesn't completely describe why its important to me. I view pain and the process of giving / receiving it as a kind of symbolic dialogue. The acts demonstrate ownership and control from the "D" as well as submission, devotion, and trust from the "s".

I: Please limit your answers to one or two sentences for the sake of time.

Me: I'm sorry I cant. These questions require me to ramble on and on. It's how I process and express myself. To further answer your previous question, let me say that pain is an important part of my "love language".

I: Wait, what? How is pain connected with love?

Me:  It would take me twenty years to try to describe to you how pain and love are alchemically combined in my head and heart. For me, the two are linked, and both necessary in order to have a functional relationship. Although I'm certainly capable of feeling "love" for a partner. I tend not to "fall in love" with people if pain isn't a part of our interaction.

I: So you want to be with someone who hurts you all the time?

 Me: No, not at all. I want to share my life with someone who understands how pain and love can be connected. Someone who values my submission, and interprets the exchange of pain as an act of intimacy between two people who "Love" each other.

I: This sounds really complicated. Are you sure you're not just crazy?

Me: Yes it is complex, but really all things in life are if you look closely enough. I probably am crazy, at least by most peoples standards. <3

I: Considering everything you've said above, what do you want in your "ideal" relationship?

Me: I want what most people want, passion, connection, good conversations and great sex. I want a partner who's active, driven, demanding, Dominant. Someone who is "powerful" but has done the work needed to set the ego aside. I want to get lost with them in old bookstores. I'd like to camp with them outside underneath the stars, miles away from everything else.

I: All of that sounds great, but also really "vanilla." What about the pain and the servitude you said was so important?

Me: Trying to balance D/s, in a relationship is challenging. It's sort of like trying to walk while wearing two different types of shoes. In order to have a functional relationship, both people have to genuinely want D/s. I've been in many relationships with people who were only "interested" in the subject matter, and most of those proved disastrous. I think you have to find unique ways to incorporate the dynamic into your everyday interaction.

I: Why would someone go through the trouble of figuring out all of that and focusing on it instead of just being together and enjoying life?

Me: Because I'm worth it. Because the depth of connection and intimacy that's reached via "all that trouble" is amazing.






 

How to save the world one unique snowflake at a time

Let me begin this by giving some context, setting the stage you might say. Picture me standing in my back yard. I'm lathered in sun tanning lotion, and wearing nothing but a pink thong. In one hand is a mason jar filled with apple juice, and the other is a cigarette.

Rushmore

I'm barely aware of my surroundings aside from the warmth of sun on my skin. My attention is focused inward. I'm having cyclic thoughts. I hear my own voice, and it's like I'm giving a lecture to an imaginary audience. The words begin to form cohesion, and I know, before this first cigarette goes out, that I have to write a blog entry.

Recently my best friend introduced me to the idea of systems thinking. In simplistic terms I'll say that systems thinking is a type of problem solving that involves and relies upon collaboration. Typically it's used to try to deal with issues of great complexity where a single layered solution wouldn't be feasible.

Obviously we live in a time where society is facing a multitude of problems. Global warming, poverty, violence, these issues along with many others are too diverse and multifaceted to be solved with a single answer. It's going to take groups of people, organizations, communities, countries to come together to face and hopefully overcome these challenges.

There are billions of us on the planet.  If we work together maybe our species will have a chance at survival. This entry isn't about me encouraging you to be an activist, or to switch career fields. My goal here is to suggest a change in attitude and practice on a much smaller scale. You don't have to save the world in order to make a difference.

The friend I mentioned earlier is more like a brother to me. We've know each other since childhood and over the years we've shaped each others lives. When we spend time with other, whether at a park, or having a meal in a restaurant, we tend to talk about everything, politics, evolution, psychology etc.

The problem with he and I is that we are stuck on a tiny island. Both of us are introverts, and so we tend to keep to ourselves. This means that our ideas are like mathematical equations scribbled on napkins. They end up being tossed aside and thrown away.

I'm not saying that our ideas are going to lead to a cure for cancer. The point is that they live briefly, and then diminish without ever really having the potential to cause change because they were never shared. Over the past couple of weeks I've been persistently trying to encourage him to blog. Just to write, about anything.

So far he has been a bit resistant to the idea. Here are some of the reasons.

Fear

Self Doubt

Preconditioning

Shame 

In the video linked above Brene Brown talks about how shame and self doubt stops us from being innovative and courageous. Near the end of her lecture she give us this example "Who do you think you are?" I think a lot of us face these words when we are on the verge of sharing ourselves, our opinions and ideas.

We live in a world where only "experts" are expected to have any knowledge or useful input. Our society has placed more value on certificates and accreditation than on ideas. It assumes that as citizens we lack the ability to discern between nonsense and valuable data, therefore, we must only rely on information from "approved" sources.

You don't have to be a master at something, to have an opinion or give meaningful feedback. It doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, or what level you've obtained within a given structure.

I'm a middle aged guy, with only a high school level education. I've no career, and I suffer from undiagnosed manic depression. I am the epitome, at least at face value, of that person our society labels as "lazy", useless, ignorant etc. Yet over the course of my life, I have changed the lives of those who knew me well. Not only have I seen these changes for myself, but many have said to me that they are "wiser" "more thoughtful" and more engaged as a result of our interactions.

So you see, if I can have an impact on the way a person thinks, and or lives their life, you can too. All you have to do is share, honestly, and sincerely, without the agenda of reward or recognition. Exchanging ideas is like adding an unknown ingredient into a recipe. Worse care scenario is that nothing happens. Alternatively, there's the chance that by doing so you might discover a whole new dish, or inspire someone else create something on their own.

Like ripples in a pond, the potential for possible outcomes is infinite. It starts though with the individual. The effort is what matters most. I invite all of you to start your own blog. It's free, easy to set up, and can be a vehicle for transformation. Your voice matters, and so does your story. Don't be afraid to share it with the rest of us.

Seperation, Walls, Cycles

The news has been flooded with accounts and details of yet another tragic act of violence. Already I've seen posts via social media sites which are filled with anger, blame, and the notion of "vengeance". Below is a short video that illustrates my views on the subject matter.

Revenge

I don't think that more hatred and judgement will help to solve these issues. In saying this, I consciously, don't want to separate myself from those who feel differently. I want to share my view and open up an opportunity for dialogue. Notice I used the term "dialogue" and not debate. This isn't a competition. I'm not trying to prove my point is more valid or enlightened etc.

The goal is for growth, and sharing ideas. I can't reach out to others if I'm forced to communicate over a great divide. Dialogue requires at least two people who are both willing to listen and share. Months ago I came across an interesting post on Ted which directly relates to some of this.

Ted

I think her approach has a much higher chance of success because she's working within the system that she's trying to change. This approach fosters and encourages dialogue. It also creates transparency. Hatred and distrust thrive via misinformation and misunderstanding. It's easy to view someone as an "enemy" if you stop considering them a "human" being. This Tool song speaks to the damage that can happen when we close our borders to others.

Let me end this by saying a few things directly. I'm not judging you. I'm angry, and upset, and saddened by the violence that continues to plague our society. Just like you, I want a resolution, I want to live, and be happy. The goal here is to provoke thought, and to encourage everyone to work toward a resolution. I believe we are all one. You, me, the victims, the perpetrators. We struggle, hope, and dream with the same beating hearts. Maybe in time, with effort and determination, we can bring an end to the separation, and the violence.

Art and Fantasy, The Birthplace of Understanding

This entry is being written due to an unexpected convergence of circumstances. Earlier today I wrote a short post on Fetlife about how writing a story that involves D/s actually helped me to realize something about the lifestyle that I'd seemingly overlooked. The whole notion of creation as a powerful tool for introspection had been rolling around in my head for the rest of the day afterwards.

Later, I logged into facebook and saw this post, shared by Lance Henriksen:  Youtube

In the video, Comicbookgirl19 shared her thoughts about the potential for comic books to serve as a transformative source of self expression and courage. I would say that any and or all mediums have this sort of potential. So too, and perhaps more so, does the act of creation.

I can only speak from my own experience, but for me, writing has always been an avenue for investigation and broadening my awareness. In order to genuinely bring a character to life, you have to see the world through their eyes. This means letting go of the ego and stepping outside of yourself. Doing so is a kind of freedom. It's almost like exploring a waking dream, one that you control and mold as you go along.

This whole process alters the way our minds work. It causes us to ask questions about ourselves, and our own perceptions. It's this kind of internal dialogue that often offers us momentary periods of enlightenment. Maybe it sounds silly, but these "aha" moments, are life changing, important levels of awakening and realization that are essential for self growth.

To say that I'm passionate about creativity, and that I think too much, might be an understatement. I learned a long time ago, from a close friend, the value of searching and reasoning. I wouldn't say that it's made my life easier, but I've gained a unique insight into the "pattern" of things as a result.

I'll bring this to a close by encouraging you all to read, listen to music, paint draw etc. Immerse yourself in art that helps you to "feel". Let the magic of the journey take you where it will.  

Judgement

I'm not sure how to begin this but I think it's a mental avenue worth trying to explain. As I go through my daily life I try to practice thoughtfulness and being non-judgmental. It's not an easy exercise, and I don't always succeed, but I make a conscious effort to try.

I want to start by drawing a correlation between two things that may seem completely separate. Most of us have embraced the notion that people should be allowed to live their lives as they choose. We support marriage equality, religious freedom, gender diversity, and alternative lifestyles.

These are all great things, even possibly a sign of an enlightened shift in our social consciousness. What concerns me though, is that we've overlooked the everyday judgements that we assign, as if those assessments are any different than the judgements that were once placed on those who fit into the above mentioned categories.

I'll use a simple example here to try make some sense of this. You're driving in your car and someone cuts you off. You have to slam on your breaks or swerve to avoid an accident. Either in your head, or possibly out loud you say something like "look at that idiot! They need to learn how to drive!"

In a matter of seconds you've accomplished a few things. You've assigned a judgement. You've made an assumption. You've created negativity for yourself, and most importantly, you've allowed your emotion to govern your thinking.

Keep in mind, I'm not saying emotions are bad. I'm not saying you should numb yourself to life, or agree with whatever another person does. The important part here is being "reactionary" instead of thoughtful.

I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling angry, but if we allow emotion to guide our reasoning, it tends to corrupt the data. Too, this whole process of feeling, thinking and acting leads to situations where rational decisions are forsaken due to the emotional overbalance.

You may be saying to yourself at this point, "There's nothing wrong with me. I'm a good person. I would never hurt someone else. Just because I get mad, or call someone stupid, that doesn't mean I'm a bad person."

I'm not here to debate good or bad. This isn't about morals or ethics. I'm just trying to illustrate how useful introspection and awareness can be. Further, I'm not ashamed to admit that societies acceptance of judgment and emotional based thinking makes me fearful for what our future might hold.

Public acts of violence have become an ever increasing trend. I'm not convinced that weapons and "violence on tv" are the only causes for such tragedies. All I can say, is that practicing being nonjudgmental has changed my life in more ways than I can count.

Since I started this journey, I've become a more compassionate person. Instead of viewing people who disagree with me, or live differently than I choose to as enemies, I am constantly reminded that they are struggling just like I am. I changed from being a nihilistic person who'd given up on things ever getting any better, and became someone who is passionate about trying to help others in whatever way I can.

The problem's that we're facing in this world are daunting. Together, we as a species might have some hope of surviving, adapting, and evolving, but being in a functional collective means letting go of our separateness and judgment.

If we as individuals, try to make a genuine effort to foster love and understanding, as opposed to judgment and cruelty, we might be able to make a small change in the microcosm. While one small change may not mean very much, thousands of small changes can be significant.

I encourage anyone who took the time to read this to challenge yourself and try to practice being nonjudgmental for a month. At the very least, test the theory and see what changes if any occur in the way you view yourself and the world.

You may find that nothing happens. you might decide that these words are nothing but the misguided ramblings of an old fool, but if you invest the effort, at least you tried. You made a decision to do something small in the hopes of making a difference.