Pieces of Pieces, A History of Me

Over the past week I've posted about a wide variety of things that are important to me. I've tried to share my views, openly and intimately, with the hopes that someone out there reading these words might find something useful. Today I want to share a list of things that I love. It would take me forever to name and list everything, but here are a few that come to mind.

This is one of the first books I read that made me cry, and then later cheer for a happy ending.

This book inspired me to write my own stories and share the magick that books can lend.

This was the first "rpg" game I ever played. It gave me a chance to finally be the "knight on a magical quest".

These movies brought fantasy and imagination alive. They helped me to dream of worlds to come and things unseen.

These songs have served as the soundtrack of my soul.

These shows pushed me to question my assumptions and broaden my views.



Last but certainly not least, let me include here the people I've met along the way. Those who have shared their time and energy, their thoughts and ideas.  I want to say "Thank You" to all the creators, artists, the dreamers and poets, the sane and insane who have touched my life over the years. You have given me gifts that I could never repay but remain eternally grateful for. <3

Semantics and Complexity, Exploring our Communication Landscape

In today's episode of "An evening with Me", I find myself trying to untie tiny knots in a huge ball of yarn.  I'm wearing a black thong. That's not entirely true though because black isn't really a color. I'm not going to go into the science of this, lets just say for the sake of this talk that things are never as cut and dry as they might appear.

Recently I came across a thread on Fetlife where someone asked why so many submissive men felt the need to be feminine and passive. As you might imagine, this caused a sprawling debate about semantics and perceptions which is what I wanted to focus on today.

A big part of our life is focused on learning and interpreting language. It's sort of the "code" of our reality. Words help us to build both understanding and perception by assigning values and meaning to "everything." While this is helpful, it's also kind of precarious and deceptive.

Language is a system, and like all other complex structures, there are faults and problems that arise the more intricate and interwoven its parts become. Much like with the example above, our own individual perceptions of words make the process of sharing ideas increasingly difficult.

As an intelligent species we've already recognized many of the problems inherent in this web of connections and we've done our best to try to fix them. We have dictionaries which lend some basic guidelines and serve as a sort of "programmers" guide to the data we're trying to work with.

Eventually though what we run into is the need for revision, and longer, more detailed definitions. Below is an example.

This is what most people once called a "computer".

Now we have devices that are still called "computers" but are vastly different in their design and usage.

While this change might seem simple and innocuous,  our language is filled with hundreds of thousands of similar examples. Many of these are adjectives that we use to describe the qualities, states or conditions of things. It's here that we run into issues with trying to communicate with others. Our experiences typically make our perceptions biased.

Good, bad, happy sad, are all generic terms tied to memories in our brains that give us a personal definition of what each word "really" means. These "notions" are as unique as fingerprints. Take the word "Love" for example. Your definition is very likely different from mine.

Obviously all of this doesn't signify the "end of the world". I think more than anything it encourages us as individuals to be more flexible with our ideas and opinions. Certainly I would say it's as good a reason as any to practice introspection, but also to really learn how to listen to others.

Most people who know me, say that I talk "too much" sometimes. Everything I've explained above is part of the reason "why". I want to share and really be heard / understood, and sometimes that means painting a clear picture for the world to see.

If you take nothing else form this, hold onto the realization that ideas and concepts are varied. Be willing to explain yourself past the generic, and capable of listening with an open mind. Also, be sure to play in the moonlight. Trust me, its good for you.


On an end note, I've decided to explore the wild world of Tumblr. If you use Tumblr, send me a link to your page either via facebook or leave a link down below and I'll be glad to add you there. May the road "faer" you well.

The Good, The Bad, and The "Crazy"

Today I'm wearing a red thong, which kind of matches my skin. Instead of being lathered in sun tanning lotion, I've covered with aloe vera gel. I'm thinking that I read somewhere that spending too much time out in the sun was bad for you. Supposedly so is smoking, and apparently trying to channel dark forces into a human vessel in order to worship and placate them. Who knew life could be so dangerous?

For the sake of not getting side tracked, lets just stick with the aloe. Using it is a part of my "recovery" and that's the center of today's thoughts. As you might have guessed from reading my entries, I suffer from some mental instability. I've dealt with varying degrees of mania and depression for over twenty years.

When I woke up yesterday morning I "knew" something was wrong. There were no visible or tangible signs that the universe had been turned upside down, but I just "felt" this sensation that something wasn't right. I know myself well enough to understand that this is an indicator of trouble on the horizon.

For me, a hard day doesn't usually mean plagued with chaotic or unfortunate events. It simply describes a day where my mind is going to be my enemy instead of my friend. True to form, as the day continued, I found myself feeling more and more depressed. Combined with the sadness was this strong desire to retreat from those feelings by "medicating" with something.

I believe that most people spend a lot of their free time medicating themselves.  It's basically just a prop used to avoid feelings or thoughts that are uncomfortable. You could call it a distraction, or a coping mechanism,or a biochemical safety net. The label doesn't matter, "A rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet."

My issue with that approach is that I know it's only a temporary distraction.  Eventually I'll get tired of watching netflix, or playing a video game, and I'm still where I was. The feelings I was ignoring haven't disappeared. More often than not, I end up feeling worse afterward because then I feel "guilty" for spending my time that way, instead of doing something useful / productive. 

Keep in mind, I'm not saying netflix or video games, or other forms of indulgence are "bad". I'm saying that for me, using them as a way to escape my thoughts, is counter productive.  It's like being an alcoholic to whatever thing you're using. Instead of drinking to enjoy the alcohol in moderation, what you're really doing is continuing an addictive cycle in some hope of "feeling" better, or at least not feeling at all. 

Knowing all of this about myself, and the nature of my "addictive personality", I understood the danger of giving in to behavior that would only complicate my problems. I chose instead, to try to do things that I knew would help me to feel better. I exercised, I wrote a blog entry, I watched a documentary. I spoke with Sarah on the phone and then another friend online. By the end of the night, I wasn't feeling depressed, or sad, or afraid. On the flip side I didn't feel joyous, or elated or accomplished, I just felt "okay".

This is just a glimmer of "a day in the life" of me. Each of us who suffer from mental illness have our own symptoms. Both my strategies and struggles will probably be different than yours. I only offer them here because writing helps me. It lets me feel that I've accomplished some small thing in my day. Sometimes I'm even lucky enough to learn something along the way.

Yesterday started out being scary, difficult, and painful, but ended up being a victory in the end. For me each day is just another coin toss. I never know when the sadness will show up, nor whether or not I'll be able to face it and overcome it. 

I used to say that I just wanted relief from the constant battles taking place in my head.  Over the years though I've come to realize the importance and value of my condition. Despite the failures and difficulty that I've endured, or perhaps because of them, I've had to grow as a person in order to survive. These problems have forced me to understand more about myself and this crazy world in which we live.

Although the idea of being "free" from the struggle is tempting, I wouldn't sacrifice who I've become along the way. If you take nothing else from this entry, keep in mind that your journey through life is important. Look within yourself and find that gift you've cultivated via experience.  Let its light be a companion and a shield against the darkness that sometimes comes. Believe in yourself, and live with love in your heart if you can. <3




 

Vday and Armageddon, an Archeology of the Soul.

Today I'm wearing a purple thong with little pink hearts printed on them. As usual, wardrobe is a part of the theme. I'm sitting here chain smoking and cutting out little hearts from construction paper. Some days I wish I could send a valentine out to the entire world. This leads me to the topic for today.

When I was a teenager I had a small but close group of friends. Each of us had, at one time or another been the victim of a bully and so it was a sort of "common ground" we all shared. My brother and I especially, had gone through first hand experiences of violence from both strangers and our own families, so we knew what it was to feel afraid, hurt, and damaged.

As we grew older, those events became a kind of "badge of honor" but also a sacred oath we both took to "protect the weak". Any time we heard about or saw someone getting hurt, we would intervene for the sake of the "cause". Somewhere along the way, at least for me, this idea morphed into an act of  "justified" catharsis.  Instead of caring about the weak or injured, it was more about hunting the bully.

This clip is the one of the best reflections of that mindset.

I'm grateful to report that over the years those notions have faded. I try to dedicate myself to a path of wisdom and love. The journey isn't easy. Today I was faced with something that I felt needed to be addressed. While reading an online forum, I cam across a reply that basically just said "You are stupid, your question is ignorant, you should grow up and stop whining."

This persons words stood out as a metaphor for some of the problems that's facing us as a society today. Many of us seem totally disconnected from other people. We navigate these virtual worlds using anonymity as a cloak, and our words as a sword. We "strike" down people at random if we don't agree with them, or just because we can.

I think many of us "just don't care" how others feel. We live in a sort of reactionary based reality where we act and speak without thinking, under the guise of "just being who we are." We say things like, "I'm entitled to an opinion, and who are you to question me!" I question, not because I want to judge you, or feel like I'm "better" than you. I want to love and to be loved. I want to hear your stories of pain and tragedy in the hopes that by sharing, you might find some relief, instead of keeping it inside and letting it fuel a cycle of negativity. 

This entry isn't about proposing censorship, or making more "rules" to govern the ever expansive online landscape. I'm saying these kinds of actions may only further perpetuate the issues we encounter in the real world concerning violence, hatred, cruelty and separation.

Everything that we say and do vibrates outward like a "ripple in the water". While one persons actions might not have a significant effect on reality at a global scale, attitudes and vibrations are cumulative. You can test this by directing different frequencies of sound toward a sheet of glass. Sound is deceptively powerful when focused much like water or air. I worry that our "world" is on the verge of shattering, just like the glass.

My challenge to you all is to pay more attention to how you think, what you say, and most importantly, what you do. Consider whether or not you want to help people, or to hurt them. I believe if we take the time to learn ways of letting our hearts be our guide through life, instead of our minds and judgements, we might find a greater sense of peace and purpose.

Vanilla and other flavors, a servants guide to cooking happiness.

Today I'm wearing a checkered thong. I'm sitting at a table with a mason jar filled with marbles. One by one I'm taking them out and counting them. Sounds thrilling I know, but there is a method to this madness.

This entry is about different ways you can incorporate D/s into an otherwise "vanilla" relationship. Mixing the two requires innovation and a desire to make things work smoothly. There's no "one true way" to do it. These are just some suggestions to get the ideas flowing.

So lets start with the marbles. The purpose here is about reaffirming each persons roles through random activities. This works by establishing a rule that the servant has to take time out of their day to make sure there are a certain number of marbles in the jar. At random times the Owner will either remove a couple of marbles or add a few just to throw it off.

It sounds silly, but this is something simple, that easy to do, and it doesn't require any kind of costume nor drawn out scene. Having to check the marble jar every day reminds the servant of the importance of the rules. Also, since the Owner is occasionally checking the jar and making changes, it keeps both parties involved.

Our next example deals with denial and permission. Just like the previous idea, this one too is best used randomly. Simply put, the Owner denies the servant permission to do or experience something.  It doesn't matter what is being denied. Alternatively, the Owner can at random time give the servant permission for something they wanted to do that was denied in the past.  The important part here is that the servant is faced with the fact that they have given up control of their life to their Owner.

Now lets look at some "mini" protocols that can be used. One possibility might be an Owner requiring their slave to eat in a different position instead of at the table with them. You could still easily carry on a "vanilla" conversation over dinner, but having the sub eat while sitting in the floor is a way of saying, "that's your place  in our relationship."

Also we should consider things like expectations and acts of personal service. It's pretty simple for an Owner to establish some rules, and have their slave take care of domestic duties. More than likely if a slave is "service oriented" he or she will probably love doing these things anyway. 

An Owner can add a deeper level to their interaction if they include commands. This doesn't mean yelling, or having a stern tone of voice. The idea here is to request something in a way that you might from a computer or a robot instead of a person. By doing so, the Owner is treating the slave like a "slave" and not a vanilla partner.

It doesn't matter if the Owner tells the slave to give them a foot massage or run them a hot bath. The key is "telling" and not asking.  I've found that a lot of people have trouble with this because society instills in us the necessity of manners, ie "please and thank you". While being polite is a great way to interact with people in "general", for a slave it can undermine the "feeling" of being a servant.

Last, but certainly not least, an Owner should chain their slave up in the basement and leave them them there for a few days. Oh, wait, that wasn't what I was going to say. I mean, that might be bad, for them and you in the long run. Now I've lost count of these damn marbles. :(

Anyway, I hope some of this made sense. I wrote this post to try to illustrate that D/s can be practiced in creative ways that don't require planning or bondage equipment. Vanilla life and experiences are just as important as the kink. Its up to you as an individual to figure out what works and what doesn't. Hopefully with the help of this post, you'll find your own way to have the white picket fence with or without the handcuffs. <3

Attack of the evil pumkins, and other possibilities.

Here we are yet again, with another story to tell. I'm in my usual attire, so you can just call me "thongman". I'm sitting in a sparsely decorated room having a staring contest with a plastic pumpkin. I mean who doesn't love Halloween?  For reasons I can't easily explain, this staring contest is a "life or death" situation. Which leads me naturally into today's thoughts.

Recently I came across an interesting Ted talk that correlates with a project my best friend and I have been working on over the past couple of years. The link below gives you a glimpse into what this is all about.

Big Talk

For those of you who don't have time to check it out I'll just say the video encourages people to ask others and themselves questions that require deep thought. One of the questions mentioned is "What do you want to do before you die." It's a compelling question, one that asks, what is most important to you?

I decided to choose a variation of this which says "If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?"

Lets say for the sake of this hypothetical situation, that you could literally do "anything."

I'd wake up as early as possible and write a blog entry, a sort of "farewell" letter. I would speak openly and intimately about my life, my decisions and my path in the hopes that others would really understand and know me.

Next I'd spend some time with my family. I'd tell my parents that I loved them, and I'd let them know that despite the hardships and hurdles, I'd lived a good life.

Then I'd gather around me my three closest friends and a few other "like minded people". We would go out to a park or somewhere in nature and just talk. I would take a moment to really enjoy the feeling of the sun on my skin. I'd run my hands through the grass and try to really feel connected to this planet I've called home.

We would spend the day walking and talking, just enjoying each others company and sharing stories. At some point later in the day we'd share a meal of my favorite foods. I'd have half a glass of really good wine, just to savor the taste of it.

During our talks I would encourage them to dream big and live passionately. I'd try to share with them the important things I've learned on my journey. As the evening winds down I'd say my farewells to most of them. I wouldn't reveal to anyone what was going to happen the next day.

I'd tell my "brother" that I love him. I'd remind him of his talent and how his influence and companionship has shaped my life. I'd ask him not to let my passing be seen as a cause for mourning, but as an opportunity for thought and growth.

As our group seperates I'd ask one of my friends "Sarah" to free up the rest of her evening. We would return to her home, and just spend time together. I'd tell her all the things I never said when we were dating and living together. I'd spend some time "serving" her by doing her laundry, cleaning etc. We would stay up talking and laughing and just being with each other until it started getting late.

As night closed in and I knew time was drawing near, we would lay down together. I would cherish every moment of these final experiences. I would genuinely take in her beauty, her strength, her knowledge and wisdom. I'd drift off to sleep in her arms feeling safe and loved. "Sarah once told me that "love" is in the doing, so this is what I would do.

I'm a little emotional from thinking about all of this stuff, and I suspect if you answer the question, you might be too. My point here is by doing so, you give yourself a chance to explore possibilities. You draw the focus away from matters that might be trivial or even worse, fears or insecurities that hold you back from living the life you really want.

If you take nothing else from this, just ask yourself, how might my life be different if I dared to dream and let those ideas come true?

On an end note I'll just add, I won the staring contest! So yeah I plan to be around for another hundred years or so. :)

  

Beyond whips and chains, a look into the heart of the matter.

Imagine the scene from yesterdays post, only this time the thong is black. Instead of sunbathing, I'm working in a garden pulling weeds and clearing out debris. As I cut a long stalk of briar from the path and try to pull it out of the way I notice it seems to be stuck. In frustration I pull as hard as I can and it's suddenly released. The momentum of my effort pulls the jagged briar right into me and it tears a long gash along my leg. As a masochist, the pain is bittersweet. I watch the droplets of blood fall from the wound and I think to myself, "Why do I like this?"

This entry is an impromptu interview conducted by me, with me. Which mean infinite wisdom times two. How awesome right? For the sake of differentiation I'll use "I" for the interviewer.

I: You say "D/s" all the time. What does that mean to you?

Me: D/s is an alternative lifestyle that focuses on power exchange and complex dynamics. I think all to often it's confused with the notion that it signifies one person wanting to be "led" or that its just an escape route for people who dislike making decisions.

I: Define servitude.

Me: Servitude is about selflessness, devotion, commitment, and care. As a servant your primary goal in life is the well-being of your Owner. It's not just about kneeling in front of them, or doing the dishes. Servitude means reading their body language. Anticipating their needs and wants. Being able to be a best friend, a willing slave, and sometimes just a shoulder to cry on. Serving is also about bettering yourself. As a slave you should focus on personal growth so that you consistently have more to offer your Owner other than just basic submission.

I: You label yourself as a masochist, whats that all about?

Me: I enjoy experiencing both physical and emotional pain. For me it's not as simple as saying "I love a great back massage." I'm not "turned on" by pain. Sometimes pain can be a sort of therapeutic experience where afterward it feels as though the volume of the world has been "turned down", but even that doesn't completely describe why its important to me. I view pain and the process of giving / receiving it as a kind of symbolic dialogue. The acts demonstrate ownership and control from the "D" as well as submission, devotion, and trust from the "s".

I: Please limit your answers to one or two sentences for the sake of time.

Me: I'm sorry I cant. These questions require me to ramble on and on. It's how I process and express myself. To further answer your previous question, let me say that pain is an important part of my "love language".

I: Wait, what? How is pain connected with love?

Me:  It would take me twenty years to try to describe to you how pain and love are alchemically combined in my head and heart. For me, the two are linked, and both necessary in order to have a functional relationship. Although I'm certainly capable of feeling "love" for a partner. I tend not to "fall in love" with people if pain isn't a part of our interaction.

I: So you want to be with someone who hurts you all the time?

 Me: No, not at all. I want to share my life with someone who understands how pain and love can be connected. Someone who values my submission, and interprets the exchange of pain as an act of intimacy between two people who "Love" each other.

I: This sounds really complicated. Are you sure you're not just crazy?

Me: Yes it is complex, but really all things in life are if you look closely enough. I probably am crazy, at least by most peoples standards. <3

I: Considering everything you've said above, what do you want in your "ideal" relationship?

Me: I want what most people want, passion, connection, good conversations and great sex. I want a partner who's active, driven, demanding, Dominant. Someone who is "powerful" but has done the work needed to set the ego aside. I want to get lost with them in old bookstores. I'd like to camp with them outside underneath the stars, miles away from everything else.

I: All of that sounds great, but also really "vanilla." What about the pain and the servitude you said was so important?

Me: Trying to balance D/s, in a relationship is challenging. It's sort of like trying to walk while wearing two different types of shoes. In order to have a functional relationship, both people have to genuinely want D/s. I've been in many relationships with people who were only "interested" in the subject matter, and most of those proved disastrous. I think you have to find unique ways to incorporate the dynamic into your everyday interaction.

I: Why would someone go through the trouble of figuring out all of that and focusing on it instead of just being together and enjoying life?

Me: Because I'm worth it. Because the depth of connection and intimacy that's reached via "all that trouble" is amazing.