Friday, August 12, 2016


I've been posting recently about writing. Here is an unedited snippet of the "work" in progress. 

“You two should probably eat something before you leave.” said Tom.

Anna cast a furtive glance over at Kristian and saw his concern about the idea of another delay.

“Food would be great, but I don't think we have enough time.” said Anna.

“You're probably right. It's just been such a, crazy night. I'm not thinking straight.” he replied.

“None of us are. If Scarlet were here, she'd say my body left my brain behind, when I went out the door.” said Kristian.

Tom and Anna both looked over at Kristian with puzzled expression's on their faces. 

“I think that was funny, but I'm not quite sure how or why?” said Anna.

At this admonition Kristian launched into a reckless fit of laughter. The absurdity of his antics proved to be catching, and both Tom and Anna joined in his song. Whether they were laughing at him, or at the joke he wasn't sure, but Kristian found both ideas equally hilarious. By the time the three of them regained their composure, they were all looking for paper towels to dry their eyes.

“We needed that.” thought Kristian.

The uncomfortable silence returned but he could also feel the bond that they shared. Kristian looked at the two of them and smiled. If ever he doubted coming to Shepard's Row that night, he knew in his heart it had been the right the decision, the only decision he could have made.

Tom walked around the table to where his friend was sitting. Kristian wasn't sure if the man was going to hit him or hug him. Tom wasn't sure either, until he stood directly over him, staring down at Kristian's vulnerable expression.

He too remembered their childhood. Climbing trees, playing tag until evening turned into night and you could no longer see your hand in front of your face. Always there had been this light in Kristian's eyes. A kind of intense curiosity, an expression of joy in the way that he smiled that could light up a room, or melt a girl's heart.

Tom held out his arms and Kristian stood as quickly as he could. He embraced him, and the tears returned for them both, this time out of grief and guilt and love. The two of them said what needed to be said in a matter of moments, without speaking at all.

Thursday, July 28, 2016


I wait for your words like anticipation of the morning sun,

The space in between is dark and quiet like the night sky,

But there are stars,

Little twinkling things that lend hope and promise,

If only I could bathe in the glory of that light once again,

To revel in its warmth until my heart forgets the pain of sleepless nights and frozen winters,

Is this love or a token of isolation's desire,

Can I be so taken by the feeling of a person that I would keep such a devoted vigil,

To wait breathlessly for a sign of intention, a spark of connection,

These are the thoughts that dwell in the hours before dawn,

Scribbled on pages,

Whispered in prayer,

A lament,

A dream,

A thought just for you...

Friday, July 15, 2016

Grattitude and Giving, Enlightenment in Everyday Life.

Yesterday I did a social experiment on Facebook. I made a post asking people on my friends list to comment with two words they felt described me. I was really surprised by the number of people who replied, and the honesty with which they spoke.

Their effort is something I chalk up to simple acts of kindness. This journal entry is both a thank you to them, and an explanation for why these little things matter so much to me. Maybe it's a reflection that I have a tendency to be a bit "too emotional" but I believe in the old adage which says "This above all: to thine own self be true."

Last night I watched this Ted Talk while having dinner. During the course of the talk I was moved to the point of tears by the touching story of how one person dedicated themselves to a road of hardship for the sake of helping someone else. This I think is an example of behavior we need to perpetuate and encourage in society. It's both amazing and humbling to me to realize how powerful one action can be in the course of another persons life.

I also think that we need to push for more examples of kindness and selflessness in our media. Recently I watched "Star Wars, The Force Awakens" for the first time. The film over all, was what I expected it to be. It's a neat looking science fiction tale, with some flashy action scenes and a sensible plot. What impressed me more than anything else was the scene where "Rey" is forced to decide the fate of a droid called "BB 8".

Earlier in the movie we can see that Rey is a survivor. She struggles each day just to scavenge enough materials to trade for food. When she's faced with the possibility of selling BB 8, she's offered a huge amount of food, and here is moment where her character is really defined.

 She decides not to sell the droid, and the reasons why are never fully explained, but I'd like to think it was out of consideration. Her choice is a metaphor for the whole Star Wars series. At it's core its about the Jedi who serve other people, and those who choose the Dark Side because they focus on serving themselves.

There are other examples of this kind of attitude in shows like Star Trek The Next Generation. This episode is one such example. Here we see that Captain Picard fights for the right of self determination for his friend Data. In his argument he talks about the possibility of building thousands of other androids like Data and the implications of that creation. He asks, would they then become a "race" and more importantly "Won't we be judged by how we treat that race?"

I don't think he's talking about being judged by God. I think what he's really saying is that we are held accountable for our actions by our peers, and on a deeper level by ourselves. Every choice we make in life is valid and important, especially those that involve or effect other people.

We are all responsible for the state of the world that we're living in. That's why I write these blog posts. It's because I care and I want to try in my own way to make a difference, even if its only a single drop in a vast ocean.  I'm not here to save the world, its too much of an undertaking for one person. I just want to be a tremor. One tiny vibration that sparks another, and another, building inertia and momentum until there becomes no distinction between you and I. A moment in time where love is both the means and the message.

On an end note let me ask of you all to please notice and appreciate the little things. Recognize and applaud the "everyday heroes" who give freely of themselves out of choice and not obligation. Be kind and giving to others if you can, regardless of  who they are or how you perceive them. By doing so, you might find that you gain a lot more than you loose.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Pieces of Pieces, A History of Me

Over the past week I've posted about a wide variety of things that are important to me. I've tried to share my views, openly and intimately, with the hopes that someone out there reading these words might find something useful. Today I want to share a list of things that I love. It would take me forever to name and list everything, but here are a few that come to mind.

This is one of the first books I read that made me cry, and then later cheer for a happy ending.

This book inspired me to write my own stories and share the magick that books can lend.

This was the first "rpg" game I ever played. It gave me a chance to finally be the "knight on a magical quest".

These movies brought fantasy and imagination alive. They helped me to dream of worlds to come and things unseen.

These songs have served as the soundtrack of my soul.

These shows pushed me to question my assumptions and broaden my views.

Last but certainly not least, let me include here the people I've met along the way. Those who have shared their time and energy, their thoughts and ideas.  I want to say "Thank You" to all the creators, artists, the dreamers and poets, the sane and insane who have touched my life over the years. You have given me gifts that I could never repay but remain eternally grateful for. <3

Monday, June 20, 2016

Semantics and Complexity, Exploring our Communication Landscape

In today's episode of "An evening with Me", I find myself trying to untie tiny knots in a huge ball of yarn.  I'm wearing a black thong. That's not entirely true though because black isn't really a color. I'm not going to go into the science of this, lets just say for the sake of this talk that things are never as cut and dry as they might appear.

Recently I came across a thread on Fetlife where someone asked why so many submissive men felt the need to be feminine and passive. As you might imagine, this caused a sprawling debate about semantics and perceptions which is what I wanted to focus on today.

A big part of our life is focused on learning and interpreting language. It's sort of the "code" of our reality. Words help us to build both understanding and perception by assigning values and meaning to "everything." While this is helpful, it's also kind of precarious and deceptive.

Language is a system, and like all other complex structures, there are faults and problems that arise the more intricate and interwoven its parts become. Much like with the example above, our own individual perceptions of words make the process of sharing ideas increasingly difficult.

As an intelligent species we've already recognized many of the problems inherent in this web of connections and we've done our best to try to fix them. We have dictionaries which lend some basic guidelines and serve as a sort of "programmers" guide to the data we're trying to work with.

Eventually though what we run into is the need for revision, and longer, more detailed definitions. Below is an example.

This is what most people once called a "computer".

Now we have devices that are still called "computers" but are vastly different in their design and usage.

While this change might seem simple and innocuous,  our language is filled with hundreds of thousands of similar examples. Many of these are adjectives that we use to describe the qualities, states or conditions of things. It's here that we run into issues with trying to communicate with others. Our experiences typically make our perceptions biased.

Good, bad, happy sad, are all generic terms tied to memories in our brains that give us a personal definition of what each word "really" means. These "notions" are as unique as fingerprints. Take the word "Love" for example. Your definition is very likely different from mine.

Obviously all of this doesn't signify the "end of the world". I think more than anything it encourages us as individuals to be more flexible with our ideas and opinions. Certainly I would say it's as good a reason as any to practice introspection, but also to really learn how to listen to others.

Most people who know me, say that I talk "too much" sometimes. Everything I've explained above is part of the reason "why". I want to share and really be heard / understood, and sometimes that means painting a clear picture for the world to see.

If you take nothing else form this, hold onto the realization that ideas and concepts are varied. Be willing to explain yourself past the generic, and capable of listening with an open mind. Also, be sure to play in the moonlight. Trust me, its good for you.

On an end note, I've decided to explore the wild world of Tumblr. If you use Tumblr, send me a link to your page either via facebook or leave a link down below and I'll be glad to add you there. May the road "faer" you well.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

The Good, The Bad, and The "Crazy"

Today I'm wearing a red thong, which kind of matches my skin. Instead of being lathered in sun tanning lotion, I've covered with aloe vera gel. I'm thinking that I read somewhere that spending too much time out in the sun was bad for you. Supposedly so is smoking, and apparently trying to channel dark forces into a human vessel in order to worship and placate them. Who knew life could be so dangerous?

For the sake of not getting side tracked, lets just stick with the aloe. Using it is a part of my "recovery" and that's the center of today's thoughts. As you might have guessed from reading my entries, I suffer from some mental instability. I've dealt with varying degrees of mania and depression for over twenty years.

When I woke up yesterday morning I "knew" something was wrong. There were no visible or tangible signs that the universe had been turned upside down, but I just "felt" this sensation that something wasn't right. I know myself well enough to understand that this is an indicator of trouble on the horizon.

For me, a hard day doesn't usually mean plagued with chaotic or unfortunate events. It simply describes a day where my mind is going to be my enemy instead of my friend. True to form, as the day continued, I found myself feeling more and more depressed. Combined with the sadness was this strong desire to retreat from those feelings by "medicating" with something.

I believe that most people spend a lot of their free time medicating themselves.  It's basically just a prop used to avoid feelings or thoughts that are uncomfortable. You could call it a distraction, or a coping mechanism,or a biochemical safety net. The label doesn't matter, "A rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet."

My issue with that approach is that I know it's only a temporary distraction.  Eventually I'll get tired of watching netflix, or playing a video game, and I'm still where I was. The feelings I was ignoring haven't disappeared. More often than not, I end up feeling worse afterward because then I feel "guilty" for spending my time that way, instead of doing something useful / productive. 

Keep in mind, I'm not saying netflix or video games, or other forms of indulgence are "bad". I'm saying that for me, using them as a way to escape my thoughts, is counter productive.  It's like being an alcoholic to whatever thing you're using. Instead of drinking to enjoy the alcohol in moderation, what you're really doing is continuing an addictive cycle in some hope of "feeling" better, or at least not feeling at all. 

Knowing all of this about myself, and the nature of my "addictive personality", I understood the danger of giving in to behavior that would only complicate my problems. I chose instead, to try to do things that I knew would help me to feel better. I exercised, I wrote a blog entry, I watched a documentary. I spoke with Sarah on the phone and then another friend online. By the end of the night, I wasn't feeling depressed, or sad, or afraid. On the flip side I didn't feel joyous, or elated or accomplished, I just felt "okay".

This is just a glimmer of "a day in the life" of me. Each of us who suffer from mental illness have our own symptoms. Both my strategies and struggles will probably be different than yours. I only offer them here because writing helps me. It lets me feel that I've accomplished some small thing in my day. Sometimes I'm even lucky enough to learn something along the way.

Yesterday started out being scary, difficult, and painful, but ended up being a victory in the end. For me each day is just another coin toss. I never know when the sadness will show up, nor whether or not I'll be able to face it and overcome it. 

I used to say that I just wanted relief from the constant battles taking place in my head.  Over the years though I've come to realize the importance and value of my condition. Despite the failures and difficulty that I've endured, or perhaps because of them, I've had to grow as a person in order to survive. These problems have forced me to understand more about myself and this crazy world in which we live.

Although the idea of being "free" from the struggle is tempting, I wouldn't sacrifice who I've become along the way. If you take nothing else from this entry, keep in mind that your journey through life is important. Look within yourself and find that gift you've cultivated via experience.  Let its light be a companion and a shield against the darkness that sometimes comes. Believe in yourself, and live with love in your heart if you can. <3


Saturday, June 18, 2016

Vday and Armageddon, an Archeology of the Soul.

Today I'm wearing a purple thong with little pink hearts printed on them. As usual, wardrobe is a part of the theme. I'm sitting here chain smoking and cutting out little hearts from construction paper. Some days I wish I could send a valentine out to the entire world. This leads me to the topic for today.

When I was a teenager I had a small but close group of friends. Each of us had, at one time or another been the victim of a bully and so it was a sort of "common ground" we all shared. My brother and I especially, had gone through first hand experiences of violence from both strangers and our own families, so we knew what it was to feel afraid, hurt, and damaged.

As we grew older, those events became a kind of "badge of honor" but also a sacred oath we both took to "protect the weak". Any time we heard about or saw someone getting hurt, we would intervene for the sake of the "cause". Somewhere along the way, at least for me, this idea morphed into an act of  "justified" catharsis.  Instead of caring about the weak or injured, it was more about hunting the bully.

This clip is the one of the best reflections of that mindset.

I'm grateful to report that over the years those notions have faded. I try to dedicate myself to a path of wisdom and love. The journey isn't easy. Today I was faced with something that I felt needed to be addressed. While reading an online forum, I cam across a reply that basically just said "You are stupid, your question is ignorant, you should grow up and stop whining."

This persons words stood out as a metaphor for some of the problems that's facing us as a society today. Many of us seem totally disconnected from other people. We navigate these virtual worlds using anonymity as a cloak, and our words as a sword. We "strike" down people at random if we don't agree with them, or just because we can.

I think many of us "just don't care" how others feel. We live in a sort of reactionary based reality where we act and speak without thinking, under the guise of "just being who we are." We say things like, "I'm entitled to an opinion, and who are you to question me!" I question, not because I want to judge you, or feel like I'm "better" than you. I want to love and to be loved. I want to hear your stories of pain and tragedy in the hopes that by sharing, you might find some relief, instead of keeping it inside and letting it fuel a cycle of negativity. 

This entry isn't about proposing censorship, or making more "rules" to govern the ever expansive online landscape. I'm saying these kinds of actions may only further perpetuate the issues we encounter in the real world concerning violence, hatred, cruelty and separation.

Everything that we say and do vibrates outward like a "ripple in the water". While one persons actions might not have a significant effect on reality at a global scale, attitudes and vibrations are cumulative. You can test this by directing different frequencies of sound toward a sheet of glass. Sound is deceptively powerful when focused much like water or air. I worry that our "world" is on the verge of shattering, just like the glass.

My challenge to you all is to pay more attention to how you think, what you say, and most importantly, what you do. Consider whether or not you want to help people, or to hurt them. I believe if we take the time to learn ways of letting our hearts be our guide through life, instead of our minds and judgements, we might find a greater sense of peace and purpose.