Imagine the scene from yesterdays post, only this time the thong is black. Instead of sunbathing, I'm working in a garden pulling weeds and clearing out debris. As I cut a long stalk of briar from the path and try to pull it out of the way I notice it seems to be stuck. In frustration I pull as hard as I can and it's suddenly released. The momentum of my effort pulls the jagged briar right into me and it tears a long gash along my leg. As a masochist, the pain is bittersweet. I watch the droplets of blood fall from the wound and I think to myself, "Why do I like this?"
This entry is an impromptu interview conducted by me, with me. Which mean infinite wisdom times two. How awesome right? For the sake of differentiation I'll use "I" for the interviewer.
I: You say "D/s" all the time. What does that mean to you?
Me: D/s is an alternative lifestyle that focuses on power exchange and complex dynamics. I think all to often it's confused with the notion that it signifies one person wanting to be "led" or that its just an escape route for people who dislike making decisions.
I: Define servitude.
Me: Servitude is about selflessness, devotion, commitment, and care. As a servant your primary goal in life is the well-being of your Owner. It's not just about kneeling in front of them, or doing the dishes. Servitude means reading their body language. Anticipating their needs and wants. Being able to be a best friend, a willing slave, and sometimes just a shoulder to cry on. Serving is also about bettering yourself. As a slave you should focus on personal growth so that you consistently have more to offer your Owner other than just basic submission.
I: You label yourself as a masochist, whats that all about?
Me: I enjoy experiencing both physical and emotional pain. For me it's not as simple as saying "I love a great back massage." I'm not "turned on" by pain. Sometimes pain can be a sort of therapeutic experience where afterward it feels as though the volume of the world has been "turned down", but even that doesn't completely describe why its important to me. I view pain and the process of giving / receiving it as a kind of symbolic dialogue. The acts demonstrate ownership and control from the "D" as well as submission, devotion, and trust from the "s".
I: Please limit your answers to one or two sentences for the sake of time.
Me: I'm sorry I cant. These questions require me to ramble on and on. It's how I process and express myself. To further answer your previous question, let me say that pain is an important part of my "love language".
I: Wait, what? How is pain connected with love?
Me: It would take me twenty years to try to describe to you how pain and love are alchemically combined in my head and heart. For me, the two are linked, and both necessary in order to have a functional relationship. Although I'm certainly capable of feeling "love" for a partner. I tend not to "fall in love" with people if pain isn't a part of our interaction.
I: So you want to be with someone who hurts you all the time?
Me: No, not at all. I want to share my life with someone who understands how pain and love can be connected. Someone who values my submission, and interprets the exchange of pain as an act of intimacy between two people who "Love" each other.
I: This sounds really complicated. Are you sure you're not just crazy?
Me: Yes it is complex, but really all things in life are if you look closely enough. I probably am crazy, at least by most peoples standards. <3
I: Considering everything you've said above, what do you want in your "ideal" relationship?
Me: I want what most people want, passion, connection, good conversations and great sex. I want a partner who's active, driven, demanding, Dominant. Someone who is "powerful" but has done the work needed to set the ego aside. I want to get lost with them in old bookstores. I'd like to camp with them outside underneath the stars, miles away from everything else.
I: All of that sounds great, but also really "vanilla." What about the pain and the servitude you said was so important?
Me: Trying to balance D/s, in a relationship is challenging. It's sort of like trying to walk while wearing two different types of shoes. In order to have a functional relationship, both people have to genuinely want D/s. I've been in many relationships with people who were only "interested" in the subject matter, and most of those proved disastrous. I think you have to find unique ways to incorporate the dynamic into your everyday interaction.
I: Why would someone go through the trouble of figuring out all of that and focusing on it instead of just being together and enjoying life?
Me: Because I'm worth it. Because the depth of connection and intimacy that's reached via "all that trouble" is amazing.